Lot's has been going on. Most of it all good. I walk without a cane or an orthotic now. I am in the 1% of people that happens to. We will take it. My radiologist said my MRI scans look fantastic, again 1% of the people are looking this good at this point. We will take it. More chemo to follow in coming months. Once a week for 6 months. It is aggressive, but so is cancer. Most of my days are okay, I have had three days, not that I am counting, that I have woke up and felt like a normal person. The other days, meh, I know I am a little under the weather.
The last time I wrote, I wrote about acceptance. Acceptance is a big word and a bigger concept. I have been settling into acceptance. Acceptance in this particular case is interesting for me. I have always looked at having cancer as an all or nothing type of situation. Either you have it and get rid of it, or you die from it. Those have been my experiences with cancer. The concept of having to live with it hadn't occurred to me. Until, the acceptance phase kicked in. That's when I realized, Mother Fucker is never going to go fully away. My team and I might be able to beat her into submission for now and diminish her size and impact on my life, but we are going to need to figure this shit out. One thing is certain, I am still in charge. She is not. Acceptance or not, I am in charge. I really hate her, but she is part of me. I have accepted that. From time to time (more than she should right now in my opinion) she rears her ugly head to remind me that she is still here, mostly in the forms of migraines and nausea. If you think about it though, migraines and nausea kind of go together.
So in the spirit of acceptance, I have evaluated what has worked and proven successful thus far in treatment that I have control over. The ketosis diet, yup, staying on it. Tweaking it? Creating a recipe here and there? Of course. I still enjoy cooking. I have accepted that I might not have the physical stamina to return to cooking again for a living. That was a hard one to accept. But to be honest, a chef that can only have two pots on the stove at a time, well, that's not really a chef anymore. Can I get back there? Maybe, if it is in the plans? One thing I have learned; I make plans and God giggles. For the time being, I will do what is in front of me. Heal my body.
How do I heal my body? Exercise, meditation, prayer, food, art, reading, sleeping, live, socializing - both through social media and personal interaction. I am currently reading Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips book. She has this weird liver and lung cancer stage IV and has never had treatment, but managed it dietarily. Mainly because her cancer is so weird there is not a protocol for it and it is not currently active. She has a lot of good ideas in the book, some of which I am working on implementing. You know I like a book when I start writing in it. Reading her book is like reading my thoughts, there is a lot of underlining and writing in the margins. Her cancer is different and she is younger, but she is living with it, day in and day out. It is a good launching point for me currently. Gotta start somewhere, right?
One of the things I wanted to work on was a good keto waffle recipe. The one I was using had cream cheese and almond flour as two of the ingredients. They were okay, but you knew you were eating keto safe food. I wanted something that said, this is good and good for you, but you don't know it. Hence, a recipe was born, with a few throw aways in between. Eh, part of the process.
Low Carb Waffle Mix - also Gluten Free!
Makes 4- 4 in. waffles
2 TBSP. Ricotta cheese
2 eggs
1/4 cup Flaxseed Ground Meal
1 TBSP stevia
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp vanilla extract
Mix all ingredients together thoroughly, let sit for a few minutes to let the air bubbles out, and cook.
Okay, back to that living thing...
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
I think I have finally hit the acceptance phase of this cancer journey. It is an odd feeling. I am not comfortable with it yet. In fact, it makes me a little suspicious and nauseated. But there is a time when I have to deal with acceptance, and I think ( I know), I hit that spot this week, out in Boston while I waited in the doctor's office. I had myself getting all wound up and realized, that was my life then, before. What am I going to do with now? This is not a phase of getting back to normal, like after having the flu.There was a part of me that was hoping to be more flu like than cancer like. This does not mean I am giving up fighting. This does not mean I am not doing everything I can to become better, stronger, more fluid, and figure out a future for myself. I am creating the new normal as I go, and improving on it as much as I can day by day. This is not easy, and it is okay to take a day off here and there. This is acceptance. Not that I think cancer is okay by any stretch of the imagination, except maybe for certain members of society on death row and those playing with Isis. For more on the stages of grief, see this article, http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief
So, what does one do when acceptance hits? The anger melts. It is not your main motivation. You stop. You look around. You assess what you have, where you are, where you have been, and where you want to go to. What do you need to get there? I have no idea where I want to go, besides up. Which from this position, could lead to a lot of options.
What has helped me get to this stage? I would honestly have to say meditation and prayer. They have led me to where I am today.I have peace in my mind and my heart. I am still angry I have cancer. I still think cancer is horrible. But it is not my main drive anymore. I have fought, and will continue to do so. But now, I have to get on with the business of living. What is the sense of doing one without doing the other?
A few weeks ago, I spoke about anthems. What songs I listen to during radiation. I asked what would be on your playlist. Been pretty quiet out there. Another song on my playlist besides Superwoman, and Girl on Fire, is Brave. Brave is by Sara Barellis. Everyday, many times a day, I listen to this song, along with the others. I sing them in the shower, sometimes loudly and with lots and lots of emotion. Yes, even when I have a headache, because I can't sing when I am on the radiation table. These particular lyrics from the song speak to my heart:
Everybody's been there,
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
for the whole song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4
The other day, my friend and I were chatting online when she said she was going for her very first tattoo ever. I offered to go to photograph the moment for her. Then she told me what she was getting, the word Brave. I knew that instant I wanted it too. It is perfect for me at this time in my life. It IS my life. Jean picked me up and we went and she got her tattoo, and I took pictures. The whole time hoping and praying that the tattoo guy would finish in time to do mine too. Never in this shop since they have been established, can you just walk in. My hope was pretty big. Now, I stole Jean's design, something I would not normally do, but I did, and personalized it, so the word Brave is in peacock blue with the sun in orange and yellow. We now have matching tattoos and both love them. As I described to Jean in a text this morning, "I really love it and am so glad I have it. I well up with tears everytime I look at it - determination tears - most times I feel like Piglet. A little animal in the big woods. This reminds me that I am bigger than I think, stronger than I know, smarter than whatever is puzzling me. I am worthy of good things coming my way." So, go ahead, say what you wanna say, and do those things you have been wanting to do, when is someday going to come? Set a date and make it happen. Live a life of integrity, honor, truth and conviction of your beliefs. Show the world how big YOUR Brave is.
Namaste,
Cindy
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Today marks the countdown to 7 more treatments!
Demanding full eviction of this stupid cancer and it's nasty side effects. Yesterday and the day before, I was sick as a dog and my nurse grounded me to the main floor. I am typically a good patient and listen to most of the rules. Both days, I listened and obeyed ALL the rules. There are days you simply have to do that. I have noticed that the sicker I get or the more tired I get the less cognitive I am. I know this happens to people who have not had brain surgery or cancer, but in my case I am really, really out of it. I let them wheel me around the hospital when I went in on Tuesday for my labs and radiation. First time I had been in a wheelchair since I left Fairlawn Rehab Hospital. You would think it might spark some anxiety of some kind, but no. That's how cruddy I felt.
Which brings me to my next point. What does someone who is on a ketosis diet eat when they aren't feeling well? My favorite thing to eat is the Chai Spice Mug Cake. The closest thing to a grain based texture. I supposed if you poured it into an microwavable oblong small loaf pan it could be sliced into slices and toasted now that I think about it.
Chai Spice Mug Cake
1 large egg
2 TBSP room temp butter
1 TBSP Stevia
7 drops liquid stevia
1/2 tsp baking powder
4 TBSP almond flour
1 TBSP heavy cream
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp cardamon
1/2 tsp vanilla
Mix it all together well, and microwave for 70 seconds in a mug, microwave safe oversized bowl, or and microwavable container you fancy!
Tastes amazing with freshly made whipped cream, and used as a dessert, or replacing oatmeal in the morning, you can still use whipped cream, after all it is someone's birthday somewhere, right?
The Universe is taking care of me ever so gently. The other day when my mother was visiting we went to WalMart to look for something orange (to complete the colors of the chakras) to put on the deck for the healing garden she made me during her visit. When I run into my good friend Kelly, who works there. We are chatting for a few minutes and I commented on her earrings and how pretty they were. They are the sparkly angels. She took them off right there and put them on me and said "You needed your angels, that is why I wore these today, I was supposed to run into you." Kelly, I wear them always now, I only take them off during radiation, because I have to, but they go on first when I am done.
The old me would not have been so attached to particular items of jewelry. It just wasn't a sentimental side about me that I possessed regarding jewelery. I mean I liked it and I would remember fondly when I wore something who gave it to me. Those types of things. But nothing that I would not take off, besides my wedding ring when I was married. The new me, however is very attached to certain items. The embroidery floss friendship anklet Christine made me last fall at her house as we sat in her room. I was firm in the hospital that they leave it alone. There was no reason for them to touch it. Before that we were mother daughter, after that day, we were friends too.
I have my bracelet from Israel, that my friend Grace brought over there. She took it to all 14 stations of the cross and had it prayed over specifically using my name. She put my name in the Wailing Wall. Every day she was there, she texted me and told me where "we" were going today. So, I was sort of able to go to Israel, even if only for moments, while I was in the hospital. It was a good vacation for me, I could go to the text at any time during the day and imagine Grace and I with hooked elbows, hats and sunglasses exploring the Holy Land together. When she got home, she came to see me the first weekend I was home, and brought the bracelet to me, showed me many pictures of where "we" went and put the bracelet on. It does not come off.
The new me also wears a beautiful necklace, even during treatment. The technician figured a way for me to keep it on. This comes from my dear friend, Suzy. We have been friends for a long time. Although we do not live close, our hearts are knit together with love, laughter and experiences. We had our children on alternating years, so my youngest two are stepping stones to her two children. She was in my wedding. We learned a lot about cooking together with our trials and errors. Suzy sent me the most beautiful purple (light), swarvarski (sp?) crystal and silver necklace with a charm of a dove and the word strength. I cried when I opened it. Heck, I almost cry at it everytime I look at it.
My other bracelets I will not take off right now are three Alex and Ani bracelets. One of them is a crown! Not even a tiara, a full blown crown. This came from my friend Deb. Deb and I met through our mutual friend, Maura. Deb and I are swearing sisters when we all go out together. They put us two close together at the table, cause we call a spade a spade, and giggle all the time while we are doing it. That's right, Mother Fucker, I got the crown, I am QUEEN of this domicile and I am ordering you OUT! You heard me, OUT!
The other is a phoenix that my mom had sent me last summer to encourage me to rise out of the ashes and recreate myself. Now is the most poignant time to hold onto that image. The third is a heart, also from my mom, kind of like her being there to hold my hand and keep me calm while I am on that radiation table. I fucking hate that mask, but only 7 more days.
My last bracelet comes from Christine as well. She gave it to me this past Christmas. It is one of those highest and lowest point bracelets. It has water from Mt. Everest and sand from the Dead Sea. It is supposed to provide you with a sense of balance and harmony. I look at it when I am feeling gross and remember that this is a moment in time. It will pass. There are so many more good times before and yet to be had and stories to be told.
Look for miracles, they are all around you.
Sending much love, peace and light
Cindy
Which brings me to my next point. What does someone who is on a ketosis diet eat when they aren't feeling well? My favorite thing to eat is the Chai Spice Mug Cake. The closest thing to a grain based texture. I supposed if you poured it into an microwavable oblong small loaf pan it could be sliced into slices and toasted now that I think about it.
Chai Spice Mug Cake
1 large egg
2 TBSP room temp butter
1 TBSP Stevia
7 drops liquid stevia
1/2 tsp baking powder
4 TBSP almond flour
1 TBSP heavy cream
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp cardamon
1/2 tsp vanilla
Mix it all together well, and microwave for 70 seconds in a mug, microwave safe oversized bowl, or and microwavable container you fancy!
Tastes amazing with freshly made whipped cream, and used as a dessert, or replacing oatmeal in the morning, you can still use whipped cream, after all it is someone's birthday somewhere, right?
The Universe is taking care of me ever so gently. The other day when my mother was visiting we went to WalMart to look for something orange (to complete the colors of the chakras) to put on the deck for the healing garden she made me during her visit. When I run into my good friend Kelly, who works there. We are chatting for a few minutes and I commented on her earrings and how pretty they were. They are the sparkly angels. She took them off right there and put them on me and said "You needed your angels, that is why I wore these today, I was supposed to run into you." Kelly, I wear them always now, I only take them off during radiation, because I have to, but they go on first when I am done.
The old me would not have been so attached to particular items of jewelry. It just wasn't a sentimental side about me that I possessed regarding jewelery. I mean I liked it and I would remember fondly when I wore something who gave it to me. Those types of things. But nothing that I would not take off, besides my wedding ring when I was married. The new me, however is very attached to certain items. The embroidery floss friendship anklet Christine made me last fall at her house as we sat in her room. I was firm in the hospital that they leave it alone. There was no reason for them to touch it. Before that we were mother daughter, after that day, we were friends too.
I have my bracelet from Israel, that my friend Grace brought over there. She took it to all 14 stations of the cross and had it prayed over specifically using my name. She put my name in the Wailing Wall. Every day she was there, she texted me and told me where "we" were going today. So, I was sort of able to go to Israel, even if only for moments, while I was in the hospital. It was a good vacation for me, I could go to the text at any time during the day and imagine Grace and I with hooked elbows, hats and sunglasses exploring the Holy Land together. When she got home, she came to see me the first weekend I was home, and brought the bracelet to me, showed me many pictures of where "we" went and put the bracelet on. It does not come off.
The new me also wears a beautiful necklace, even during treatment. The technician figured a way for me to keep it on. This comes from my dear friend, Suzy. We have been friends for a long time. Although we do not live close, our hearts are knit together with love, laughter and experiences. We had our children on alternating years, so my youngest two are stepping stones to her two children. She was in my wedding. We learned a lot about cooking together with our trials and errors. Suzy sent me the most beautiful purple (light), swarvarski (sp?) crystal and silver necklace with a charm of a dove and the word strength. I cried when I opened it. Heck, I almost cry at it everytime I look at it.
My other bracelets I will not take off right now are three Alex and Ani bracelets. One of them is a crown! Not even a tiara, a full blown crown. This came from my friend Deb. Deb and I met through our mutual friend, Maura. Deb and I are swearing sisters when we all go out together. They put us two close together at the table, cause we call a spade a spade, and giggle all the time while we are doing it. That's right, Mother Fucker, I got the crown, I am QUEEN of this domicile and I am ordering you OUT! You heard me, OUT!
The other is a phoenix that my mom had sent me last summer to encourage me to rise out of the ashes and recreate myself. Now is the most poignant time to hold onto that image. The third is a heart, also from my mom, kind of like her being there to hold my hand and keep me calm while I am on that radiation table. I fucking hate that mask, but only 7 more days.
My last bracelet comes from Christine as well. She gave it to me this past Christmas. It is one of those highest and lowest point bracelets. It has water from Mt. Everest and sand from the Dead Sea. It is supposed to provide you with a sense of balance and harmony. I look at it when I am feeling gross and remember that this is a moment in time. It will pass. There are so many more good times before and yet to be had and stories to be told.
Look for miracles, they are all around you.
Sending much love, peace and light
Cindy
Friday, May 8, 2015
Hey There...
Been a very interesting week here in the Healing Home as I call it. I have created as peaceful of an environment as I can to encourage healing.
I have been nauseated and had a constant migrainish headache that would not go away. I had to pull out all the stuff in my arsenal, and still, was feeling punky. When I saw the doc on Wednesday, he tweaked my meds that he had tweaked the week before. Today, I woke up feeling better. Hooray! The other little thing MoFo threw at me this week is my hair falling out by the handfuls, and not just where they are radiating. It feels like someone is constantly pulling my hair all over my scalp. I cut my hair last night to shoulder length, 6 inches off, hoping the extra weight loss of hair might calm things down a bit.
On the bright side, it is sunny, there is no snow, it is Friday, I am 15/30 treatments down after my treatment this morning, I am alive, I am home and I am with my pets. Yesterday, Christine surprised me when I was waiting for the cab. She dropped by real quick with some potted Gerber Daisies for me. The perfect size to put on the little table next to me when Henry and I sit on the front porch. They add that perfect little spring pop of color right next to me. I am also enjoying watching the birds come to the bird feeder out in the back yard. The cats love it too, it is cat tv for them.
So, the ketosis diet continues. It is not difficult to maintain, or stay on at all. I admit, I did fall off the wagon last night. Someone, I don't know who, but I know for sure it wasn't me, left a half eaten container of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in the freezer. Now, everybody knows when you are having a super sucky day, Ben and Jerry are some of the best friends a person can have. Needless to say to who ever left the container in there, it is gone, but not wasted, worry not! Ben and Jerry and I had an awesome reunion. Thank you benevolent anonymous person.
But back on the keto wagon I go today! Now, I have been making some recipes from what I find on the internet, and some, I make on my own, or some I look at on the internet, and think, (yes, I used the word think) I could make it taste better, so embellish away I begin. It is good to be able to slowly get my skills back as far as speed goes. And, I can have two pots on the stove, or one pot and something in the microwave or oven, at the same time! Not something I was able to do when I first came home. One pot meals were my thing.
I made some Pad Thai this week using spaghetti squash.It was not hard to make. If a woman who had brain surgery and is undergoing radiation and chemo treatments can make it, anyone can make it, it is not difficult. It was so good, the first and second time, but it makes a lot so by the third time, I got kind of tired of it. I threw in a stripped, cooked chicken breast as well. And I did not add one of the heads bok choi, and doubled the sauce. I would triple the sauce to make it more like the original Pad Thai, and the peanuts on top and the cilantro really add to the flavor of the dish. I think the recipe could easily feed a family of 4. So, remember all my hints when you go to the link to make this recipe. http://paleogrubs.com/spaghetti-squash-noodle-recipe
For you vegetarians, add the extra head of bok choi, but still triple the sauce.
Well, off I go to fry MoFo! Damn the torpedos! Tawanda! Burn, baby, burn!
I have been nauseated and had a constant migrainish headache that would not go away. I had to pull out all the stuff in my arsenal, and still, was feeling punky. When I saw the doc on Wednesday, he tweaked my meds that he had tweaked the week before. Today, I woke up feeling better. Hooray! The other little thing MoFo threw at me this week is my hair falling out by the handfuls, and not just where they are radiating. It feels like someone is constantly pulling my hair all over my scalp. I cut my hair last night to shoulder length, 6 inches off, hoping the extra weight loss of hair might calm things down a bit.
On the bright side, it is sunny, there is no snow, it is Friday, I am 15/30 treatments down after my treatment this morning, I am alive, I am home and I am with my pets. Yesterday, Christine surprised me when I was waiting for the cab. She dropped by real quick with some potted Gerber Daisies for me. The perfect size to put on the little table next to me when Henry and I sit on the front porch. They add that perfect little spring pop of color right next to me. I am also enjoying watching the birds come to the bird feeder out in the back yard. The cats love it too, it is cat tv for them.
So, the ketosis diet continues. It is not difficult to maintain, or stay on at all. I admit, I did fall off the wagon last night. Someone, I don't know who, but I know for sure it wasn't me, left a half eaten container of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in the freezer. Now, everybody knows when you are having a super sucky day, Ben and Jerry are some of the best friends a person can have. Needless to say to who ever left the container in there, it is gone, but not wasted, worry not! Ben and Jerry and I had an awesome reunion. Thank you benevolent anonymous person.
But back on the keto wagon I go today! Now, I have been making some recipes from what I find on the internet, and some, I make on my own, or some I look at on the internet, and think, (yes, I used the word think) I could make it taste better, so embellish away I begin. It is good to be able to slowly get my skills back as far as speed goes. And, I can have two pots on the stove, or one pot and something in the microwave or oven, at the same time! Not something I was able to do when I first came home. One pot meals were my thing.
I made some Pad Thai this week using spaghetti squash.It was not hard to make. If a woman who had brain surgery and is undergoing radiation and chemo treatments can make it, anyone can make it, it is not difficult. It was so good, the first and second time, but it makes a lot so by the third time, I got kind of tired of it. I threw in a stripped, cooked chicken breast as well. And I did not add one of the heads bok choi, and doubled the sauce. I would triple the sauce to make it more like the original Pad Thai, and the peanuts on top and the cilantro really add to the flavor of the dish. I think the recipe could easily feed a family of 4. So, remember all my hints when you go to the link to make this recipe. http://paleogrubs.com/spaghetti-squash-noodle-recipe
For you vegetarians, add the extra head of bok choi, but still triple the sauce.
Well, off I go to fry MoFo! Damn the torpedos! Tawanda! Burn, baby, burn!
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
A few more introductions
I have been blessed to have surrounded by awesome people on my care team since this whole thing started in earnest on February 27th. Okay, maybe while sitting on a gurney in the Emergency Department with a security guard and a man walking around with an open wound on his hand, wondering why the guy didn't fight fair, and "Papi, I have to pee". After the diagnosis was delivered, this is the scenario that ensued. If I had been focused solely on that particular experience, I do not think I would be positively facing this disease with the forthright determination, diet, exercise, prayer, meditation, yoga, and hope.
From the nurses at UMASS, to the staff at Fairlawn Rehabilitation Hospital, to the staff, to the people that take care of me at home from Century Homecare. I have two nurses, one week day nurse, Janice, and one weekend nurse, Joe. I also have a physical therapist, Fran, an occupational therapist, Sue, and a speech therapist, Dave. I had an awesome experience this weekend, when Joe showed up on Saturday. I was feeling rather emotional when Joe showed up, and just plain old frustrated. My nurse Janice is a clone of me before I had brain cancer and advocated for clients when I worked at the group home. She gets things done. I love that about her. She is also compassionate, and like me, just the right amount of naughty. Sue is so supportive and encouraging. I even hear from her via text during the weekend if she runs into something she thinks I would find interesting. Fran doesn't take no for an answer and keeps me moving as per my request in the early days. Dave helps me to focus, find ways to concentrate (still working on that, thanks surgery, chemo and radiation I have the attention span of a 5 year old most times) These people are my team.
I asked Joe what he did during the week. That is when he told me he is going to school during the week. I asked what he was going to school for. That is when I found out that he was going to school to become a prison pastor. I was so impressed by his compassionate heart to go into the ministry, but prison ministry specifically. We talked and he asked if he could pray for me. I said yes. I was so glad he prayed. It was calming, it was confirming. I started the Course of Miracles Saturday night. A friend brought over the book shortly before I was diagnosed. Granted with the blurry vision right now, reading is not easy, but I am persevering. Maybe only being able to do it in small chunks at a time is good, this way I have to take it in more, be more aware, me more mindful?
Sunday, he showed up and he told me, "you know, I prayed for you all night." then he gave me a little homily if you will about being open to being in the presence of God, and when Jesus came and walked among the disciples, and sat down and ate with them and then disappeared. And it wasn't until afterward that they realized who it was walking with them. "You never know what, I want you to concentrate on your relationship with God. The miracle will happen. Concentrate on your spirit and your soul. Keep doing what you are doing with your diet and medicine. Most importantly, know you are never alone. He is here with you every step of the way, even when you lay in that radiation machine at the hospital, He is right there holding your hand." He prayed again, and assured me that we would pray for me every day. He prayed again and then he left.
From the nurses at UMASS, to the staff at Fairlawn Rehabilitation Hospital, to the staff, to the people that take care of me at home from Century Homecare. I have two nurses, one week day nurse, Janice, and one weekend nurse, Joe. I also have a physical therapist, Fran, an occupational therapist, Sue, and a speech therapist, Dave. I had an awesome experience this weekend, when Joe showed up on Saturday. I was feeling rather emotional when Joe showed up, and just plain old frustrated. My nurse Janice is a clone of me before I had brain cancer and advocated for clients when I worked at the group home. She gets things done. I love that about her. She is also compassionate, and like me, just the right amount of naughty. Sue is so supportive and encouraging. I even hear from her via text during the weekend if she runs into something she thinks I would find interesting. Fran doesn't take no for an answer and keeps me moving as per my request in the early days. Dave helps me to focus, find ways to concentrate (still working on that, thanks surgery, chemo and radiation I have the attention span of a 5 year old most times) These people are my team.
I asked Joe what he did during the week. That is when he told me he is going to school during the week. I asked what he was going to school for. That is when I found out that he was going to school to become a prison pastor. I was so impressed by his compassionate heart to go into the ministry, but prison ministry specifically. We talked and he asked if he could pray for me. I said yes. I was so glad he prayed. It was calming, it was confirming. I started the Course of Miracles Saturday night. A friend brought over the book shortly before I was diagnosed. Granted with the blurry vision right now, reading is not easy, but I am persevering. Maybe only being able to do it in small chunks at a time is good, this way I have to take it in more, be more aware, me more mindful?
Sunday, he showed up and he told me, "you know, I prayed for you all night." then he gave me a little homily if you will about being open to being in the presence of God, and when Jesus came and walked among the disciples, and sat down and ate with them and then disappeared. And it wasn't until afterward that they realized who it was walking with them. "You never know what, I want you to concentrate on your relationship with God. The miracle will happen. Concentrate on your spirit and your soul. Keep doing what you are doing with your diet and medicine. Most importantly, know you are never alone. He is here with you every step of the way, even when you lay in that radiation machine at the hospital, He is right there holding your hand." He prayed again, and assured me that we would pray for me every day. He prayed again and then he left.
In Perseverance, Hope, Faith and Love,
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I am a glass half full kind of girl. Always looking for the silver lining. First things first, it is Wednesday and it is time to tell Mother Fucker to take a long hike off a short pier and never return. Remember team, we are wearing purple on Wednesdays.
Awesome things that have happened since I started chemo and radiation. One: my oldest son has these friends who used to be over at the house all the time when they were in high school. Turns out, their mom is one of the nurses who draws my labs. I get an honest to goodness, genuine, love hug every Tuesday. Thanks God, for taking care of that for me. I have not yet found the medical marijuana that I am seeking. However, I did find some stuff from a medical grower that really does help with the headache and nausea at a much faster rate than 45 minutes to an hour waiting to see if it works. Still seeking the tumor killing stuff, I have not given up. Super Lemon Haze and Terry Sheppey are the two tumor killing strains. Other strains that are very helpful are Grape Ape and Wi-Fi. If you know anyone that might be able to get these specific strains, please put them in touch. I get to see my son, and meet his fiance. She is a very nice young lady, they seem very happy together, and comfortable. I feel bad that I have to meet her at such a trying time. The sun has been shining. No more snow, I was beginning to wonder if I was in the movie Groundhog for awhile, every day seemed the same.
I am getting stronger, I can make it to both corners now when I go on a walk.I think the food diet helps, and filling the protein gap and strong nutrients. Hoping to push past that marker and make it around the block by next week. Small goal, to most. Huge to me. If you happen to see someone physically struggling or moving slow, offer them encouragement or assistance in my name please. They are doing the best they can, pay if forward.
My right leg has started to have spams again. It bothers me. I will tell the nurse this morning. I will contact the neuro-oncology doc this morning and tell them and see what they say.
Meanwhile, Die, Mother Fucker, Die!
Sick and tired of cancer already
Awesome things that have happened since I started chemo and radiation. One: my oldest son has these friends who used to be over at the house all the time when they were in high school. Turns out, their mom is one of the nurses who draws my labs. I get an honest to goodness, genuine, love hug every Tuesday. Thanks God, for taking care of that for me. I have not yet found the medical marijuana that I am seeking. However, I did find some stuff from a medical grower that really does help with the headache and nausea at a much faster rate than 45 minutes to an hour waiting to see if it works. Still seeking the tumor killing stuff, I have not given up. Super Lemon Haze and Terry Sheppey are the two tumor killing strains. Other strains that are very helpful are Grape Ape and Wi-Fi. If you know anyone that might be able to get these specific strains, please put them in touch. I get to see my son, and meet his fiance. She is a very nice young lady, they seem very happy together, and comfortable. I feel bad that I have to meet her at such a trying time. The sun has been shining. No more snow, I was beginning to wonder if I was in the movie Groundhog for awhile, every day seemed the same.
I am getting stronger, I can make it to both corners now when I go on a walk.I think the food diet helps, and filling the protein gap and strong nutrients. Hoping to push past that marker and make it around the block by next week. Small goal, to most. Huge to me. If you happen to see someone physically struggling or moving slow, offer them encouragement or assistance in my name please. They are doing the best they can, pay if forward.
My right leg has started to have spams again. It bothers me. I will tell the nurse this morning. I will contact the neuro-oncology doc this morning and tell them and see what they say.
Meanwhile, Die, Mother Fucker, Die!
Sick and tired of cancer already
Friday, April 17, 2015
Day three full assault
So, I tried creating a playlist, power songs to inspire me while I undergo radiation. I went to my old playlist and for some reason, I can't open it. I don't know how. Then a friend came over and said, "well it is a new battle, maybe the universe is telling you it is time for a new playlist?" Wise, grasshopper. And then I remembered, "hey, I can use Amazon Prime" and download free music there and make a playlist because the hospital has wi-fi.(Big deal to remember something I just learned, look at me go.) i pick out my playlist, starting with Alicia Keys, Super Woman, followed by Girl on Fire - a little radiation humor. The techs looked at me like I was morbid when that came blasting out of my ihome speaker. So, right up until I walk into the radiology room, I have service, then kaput.Turns out as long as you have service you have your Prime Library available to you, but not on your device, you have to buy those songs for that to happen. Silly girl. I have been forced these last two days to focus on the following two mantras during radiation "Die Mother Fucker, Die" and "Cells, heal yourselves". I have been so hyper focused on those two mantras that I come home exhausted and need a nap, which is throwing off my sleep schedule at night. Which leads me back to my original problem, creating a playlist that I can listen to while getting zapped that I have already paid for the music or it is on my computer. Once I figure this problem out, I am going to figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my blog so I can start showing you all how I am cooking my way out of this friggin situation and give you recipes to boot.
I can't be off at night, cause I need to get up in the morning in time to do all my stuff and fit in all the home visits before I go to battle. Other than the battle weariness, I am doing okay. The ketosis diet is going well. I follow the menu exactly, food still tastes good, and I am eating regular portions.The chemo has helped cut down the steroid munchies, and the medical marijuana helps the appetite stay in balance, as well as assisting in nausea and headaches. I am looking for a particular strain that has been shown to obliterate the type of tumor I have in combination with radiation and chemo This has not been done without the use of all three. I have seen peoples scans. Typically only, growth is stopped for awhile and then you need more treatment. I have my medical marijuana card but there are no dispensaries in Mass yet. I cannot get it delivered legally from a dispensary out of state. If you think you might be able to be of assistance, please contact me directly, thank you.
Okay, gotta get ready to rumble. Do my exercises before I go, shower and all that good stuff.
I can't be off at night, cause I need to get up in the morning in time to do all my stuff and fit in all the home visits before I go to battle. Other than the battle weariness, I am doing okay. The ketosis diet is going well. I follow the menu exactly, food still tastes good, and I am eating regular portions.The chemo has helped cut down the steroid munchies, and the medical marijuana helps the appetite stay in balance, as well as assisting in nausea and headaches. I am looking for a particular strain that has been shown to obliterate the type of tumor I have in combination with radiation and chemo This has not been done without the use of all three. I have seen peoples scans. Typically only, growth is stopped for awhile and then you need more treatment. I have my medical marijuana card but there are no dispensaries in Mass yet. I cannot get it delivered legally from a dispensary out of state. If you think you might be able to be of assistance, please contact me directly, thank you.
Okay, gotta get ready to rumble. Do my exercises before I go, shower and all that good stuff.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
This is a cross post from my caringbridge page, kind of says everything I need to get out for right now.
Tonight, I start chemo.
The war is on.
Raise the war cry!
Words are powerful. Very powerful. Thought and intent are also very powerful. Through the ages, people have used words when making a proclamation, whether it be in love, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship or war.
Brain cancer needs an army to fight. I am leading the charge and I am asking each of you to please suit up and join me. On Wednesday, April 15th at 2 pm EST, please be wearing purple and raise your war cry against this brain tumor.Your war cry can be a prayer, http://biblehub.com/joel/3-9.htma .In terms of realism, this has some ground as traditional and even some current practitioners of martial arts hold the belief that accompanying statements and/or vocal noises alongside execution build up their chi, thereby increasing the power and efficacy of their moves and techniques. Put less spiritually, saying a phrase at the right time during an attack ensures proper breathing. A call used for this reason is known as a kiai. The naming of attacks also served a more practical purpose as many martial arts schools, Chinese ones in particular, used to be secret societies. The passing down of techniques was done orally and giving them esoteric names often facilitated this transmission. In addition, kiai has the potential to startle the opponent and give you an opening. (tvtropes.org) I personally will be using a more Bruce Willis, Die Hard approach, "Yipee Kai Yay, Die Mother Fucker Die". Not very lady like, whatever, this is war and I have had enough cancer in my life already. My girls picked purple, I don't know why, but Wednesdays are purple days and it just works. I am going to do the first battle alone. I will reassess after the first battle. But I feel like I need to face this one on one for the first time. I am going to "put up my dukes and get down to it". There is only room for one of us in my head, and I am not leaving.
To continue the war cry, the treatments are Monday through Friday at 11:15 EST for the next 6 weeks. The first one is the only one scheduled for 2. And we wear purple on Wednesdays.
Tonight, I start chemo.
The war is on.
Raise the war cry!
Words are powerful. Very powerful. Thought and intent are also very powerful. Through the ages, people have used words when making a proclamation, whether it be in love, loyalty, forgiveness, friendship or war.
Brain cancer needs an army to fight. I am leading the charge and I am asking each of you to please suit up and join me. On Wednesday, April 15th at 2 pm EST, please be wearing purple and raise your war cry against this brain tumor.Your war cry can be a prayer, http://biblehub.com/joel/3-9.htma .In terms of realism, this has some ground as traditional and even some current practitioners of martial arts hold the belief that accompanying statements and/or vocal noises alongside execution build up their chi, thereby increasing the power and efficacy of their moves and techniques. Put less spiritually, saying a phrase at the right time during an attack ensures proper breathing. A call used for this reason is known as a kiai. The naming of attacks also served a more practical purpose as many martial arts schools, Chinese ones in particular, used to be secret societies. The passing down of techniques was done orally and giving them esoteric names often facilitated this transmission. In addition, kiai has the potential to startle the opponent and give you an opening. (tvtropes.org) I personally will be using a more Bruce Willis, Die Hard approach, "Yipee Kai Yay, Die Mother Fucker Die". Not very lady like, whatever, this is war and I have had enough cancer in my life already. My girls picked purple, I don't know why, but Wednesdays are purple days and it just works. I am going to do the first battle alone. I will reassess after the first battle. But I feel like I need to face this one on one for the first time. I am going to "put up my dukes and get down to it". There is only room for one of us in my head, and I am not leaving.
To continue the war cry, the treatments are Monday through Friday at 11:15 EST for the next 6 weeks. The first one is the only one scheduled for 2. And we wear purple on Wednesdays.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Another key player in this Kick Cancer's Butt, Henry
I got my little guy when he was 8 weeks old. I had lost two golden retrievers within a 4 year time span. I missed having a dog so much, but knew that I needed a guy that was going to be easy maintenance and easy going to boot. I loved the idea of having a puppy, so I decided get a dog that stays the size of a puppy, looks like a stuffed animal, is easy to train, hair not fur so one is allergic to him, playful, yet gentle.
This is Henry coming home from the kennel.
This is Henry coming home from the kennel.
Henry is now in all senses of the word, a therapy dog. I used him as a therapy dog many times over the years with clients. Never did I realize, I was training him to work with me. The thought never crossed my mind that this little fellow and I, who are a team, would ever need one another as much as we do. He follows me around during the day. Reminds me to rest when I am doing too much. Get fresh air for a little bit even if we can't go for a walk we can be on the front porch or back deck. He deliberately does things to make me laugh like throwing his toys around, greets each visitor with a tail wag. He has also been working on his inside voice. He has almost mastered the soft woof when someone is at the door.
Just waking up from a nap mom, geez
Started my morning off with yoga, a great way to get going. Then I did some housework, well, limited, but still did some housework while the home health aide was here. Still on the ketosis diet and loving it. The idea is to starve the tumor of glucose in conjunction with chemo and radiation to give myself the best odds possible. Today was a bacon, cheddar mug muffin. When it came time to make lunch, I pulled out a knife that I love to use. It was dull. Okay, no problem, I remember how to sharpen a knife. I get out my little gizmo. I start running the blade through the area and these little red "wheels" are supposed to spin. I can't get the wheels to spin. It is a small wrist motion, that is connected to your forearm that connects to your bicep, then you do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around. Oh shit, this is going to be harder than I thought. So, I give out a shout "Oh no you don't Mother Fucker! I am going to sharpen this knife and then I am going to eat at YOU but not for you!" Very determined and focused and longer that it normally takes, that knife is sharpened. Perseverance and determination got the job done. Using that right arm of mine that I am attempting to rehab as well.
Once I was sitting down and successfully eating lunch, I got to thinking. Always a dangerous phrase for me, "I got to thinking..." I feel fortunate that I was able to locate this information about this type of diet working for brain tumor patients, that I am able to prepare the food, that I am able to stick with the diet, and that I didn't have to do any of the planning, it is already done and the recipes are tasty.
Wednesday is the big day. The first radiation therapy will be at 2 pm. After that, they will be at 11:15, Monday through Friday for the next 6 weeks. Today, I am working on a power playlist to listen to while the radiologist zaps Mother Fucker.
Okay, merrily my little dog and I go on our way...
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
More Introductions
Today, I was fortunate enough to be fitted with a nifty new head piece. For my tiara crowd, you are not getting one. It was a bit unnerving, a lot unnerving actually. But what seemed to get me through today was the mantra of Die, Mother Fucker, Die. That is what I have named my tumor, Mother Fucker. I have never really cared much for the saying as it is, but in this particular case, I think it is rather appropriate.
By the time I arrived home, I thought my head might explode. Just a lot to process. I made myself a cup of tea, burned some sage, did some yoga, and then the pt guy, Fran came. I rode my bike, we went for a walk, one house further than I did yesterday. Progress. I'll take it.
The ketosis diet is working out really well. I feel good, the recipes have been tasty, and I have been full, which is saying something when you are on steroids. It is nice to be in charge of something again, what I put into my body. Tonight's fun discoveries have been fried cheese and tumeric tea.
Queso Fresco (fried cheese)
Ingredients - 1 lb. Queso Fresco (or Paneer Cheese if Queso Fresco is not available) - 1 Tbsp. Coconut Oil - 1/2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
Instructions 1. Cut cheese into cubes, or thin rectangles. 2. Bring 1 Tbsp. coconut oil and 1/2 Tbsp. olive oil to high heat in a pan. 3. Once the smoke point hits, add your cheese. Let it cook until browned on one side and then flip over and do the same on the other side. 4. Remove from pan and drain excess grease on a paper towel.
and
Tumeric Tea https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGgF1cnKdcs
Today was not the easiest, but it wasn't the hardest either.
Meanwhile, Die Mother Fucker, Die.
By the time I arrived home, I thought my head might explode. Just a lot to process. I made myself a cup of tea, burned some sage, did some yoga, and then the pt guy, Fran came. I rode my bike, we went for a walk, one house further than I did yesterday. Progress. I'll take it.
The ketosis diet is working out really well. I feel good, the recipes have been tasty, and I have been full, which is saying something when you are on steroids. It is nice to be in charge of something again, what I put into my body. Tonight's fun discoveries have been fried cheese and tumeric tea.
Queso Fresco (fried cheese)
Ingredients - 1 lb. Queso Fresco (or Paneer Cheese if Queso Fresco is not available) - 1 Tbsp. Coconut Oil - 1/2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
Instructions 1. Cut cheese into cubes, or thin rectangles. 2. Bring 1 Tbsp. coconut oil and 1/2 Tbsp. olive oil to high heat in a pan. 3. Once the smoke point hits, add your cheese. Let it cook until browned on one side and then flip over and do the same on the other side. 4. Remove from pan and drain excess grease on a paper towel.
and
Tumeric Tea https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGgF1cnKdcs
Today was not the easiest, but it wasn't the hardest either.
Meanwhile, Die Mother Fucker, Die.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Introductions first, at least that was the way things used to be...
Hi, I am Cindy.
I am just about 50 years old, divorced and live with my little dog, Henry, and my two cats, Otis and Willie. My daughter thought Willie was a boy when she proudly brought him home to me, and then moved out 8 weeks later, leaving me with the kitten, who turned out to be a girl kitty. That type of stuff happened pretty regularly for me all my life, so that didn't really through me for a loop.
What through me for a loop was February 27, 2015. The day I found out I had brain cancer. Very surreal. Brain Cancer. That's rare, or so I thought. Actually, there are 150 different types of brain cancer. Over 600,000 people live with a brain tumor in the United States. Yep, that word back there was live. Remember that word, I will ask you for it later. Neurology humor
Turns out my tumor is rare. Not incurable, but rare and feisty. I have Abnormal Olgioastrocytoma, grade 3. I had surgery to remove a large portion of the tumor with very little residual damage. I had already lost control of my right leg below the knee, but continue to exercise, walk and stretch it as much as possible. There is some damage to the right arm, might be more of a favoring or protecting, but I am reteaching myself to use it and have not slipped so far away that it is not an attainable goal to regain full use of the arm again.
I am attacking on all sides. Surgery, chemo, radiation, nutrition , prayer and complimentary therapies.
Pre Brain Cancer Ass Kickin Princess Warrior, I was a personal chef and a personal care attendant. I had started my own personal chef business and it was taking off. I loved cooking for people. I will use that same love, care, and concern that I used for each of my clients into my cooking myself back to health. I will be following the ketosis diet that has been found highly effective in stopping the growth of the type of tumor I have in my brain. For more information on that here is http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/healthscience/2012/december/starving-cancer-ketogenic-diet-a-key-to-recovery/
My job now, is to get better. So what was that word I asked you to remember?
Live, that's the word. And that is exactly what I intend to do, live.
I am just about 50 years old, divorced and live with my little dog, Henry, and my two cats, Otis and Willie. My daughter thought Willie was a boy when she proudly brought him home to me, and then moved out 8 weeks later, leaving me with the kitten, who turned out to be a girl kitty. That type of stuff happened pretty regularly for me all my life, so that didn't really through me for a loop.
What through me for a loop was February 27, 2015. The day I found out I had brain cancer. Very surreal. Brain Cancer. That's rare, or so I thought. Actually, there are 150 different types of brain cancer. Over 600,000 people live with a brain tumor in the United States. Yep, that word back there was live. Remember that word, I will ask you for it later. Neurology humor
Turns out my tumor is rare. Not incurable, but rare and feisty. I have Abnormal Olgioastrocytoma, grade 3. I had surgery to remove a large portion of the tumor with very little residual damage. I had already lost control of my right leg below the knee, but continue to exercise, walk and stretch it as much as possible. There is some damage to the right arm, might be more of a favoring or protecting, but I am reteaching myself to use it and have not slipped so far away that it is not an attainable goal to regain full use of the arm again.
I am attacking on all sides. Surgery, chemo, radiation, nutrition , prayer and complimentary therapies.
Pre Brain Cancer Ass Kickin Princess Warrior, I was a personal chef and a personal care attendant. I had started my own personal chef business and it was taking off. I loved cooking for people. I will use that same love, care, and concern that I used for each of my clients into my cooking myself back to health. I will be following the ketosis diet that has been found highly effective in stopping the growth of the type of tumor I have in my brain. For more information on that here is http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/healthscience/2012/december/starving-cancer-ketogenic-diet-a-key-to-recovery/
My job now, is to get better. So what was that word I asked you to remember?
Live, that's the word. And that is exactly what I intend to do, live.
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