Saturday, May 23, 2015

I think I have finally hit the acceptance phase of this cancer journey. It is an odd feeling. I am not comfortable with it yet. In fact, it makes me a little suspicious and nauseated. But there is a time when I have to deal with acceptance, and I think ( I know), I hit that spot this week, out in Boston while I waited in the doctor's office. I had myself getting all wound up and realized, that was my life then, before. What am I going to do with now? This is not a phase of getting back to normal, like after having the flu.There was a part of me that was hoping to be more flu like than cancer like. This does not mean I am giving up fighting. This does not mean I am not doing everything I can to become better, stronger, more fluid, and figure out a future for myself.  I am creating the new normal as I go, and improving on it as much as I can day by day.  This is not easy, and it is okay to take a day off here and there.  This is acceptance. Not that I think cancer is okay by any stretch of the imagination, except maybe for certain members of society on death row and those playing with Isis. For more on the stages of grief, see this article, http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief


So, what does one do when acceptance hits? The anger melts. It is not your main motivation.  You stop. You look around. You assess what you have, where you are, where you have been, and where you want to go to. What do you need to get there? I have no idea where I want to go, besides up. Which from this position, could lead to a lot of options.

What has helped me get to this stage? I would honestly have to say meditation and prayer. They have led me to where I am today.I have peace in my mind and my heart.  I am still angry I have cancer. I still think cancer is horrible. But it is not my main drive anymore.  I have fought, and will continue to do so. But now, I have to get on with the business of living. What is the sense of doing one without doing the other?

A few weeks ago, I spoke about anthems. What songs I listen to during radiation.  I asked what would be on your playlist. Been pretty quiet out there. Another song on my playlist besides Superwoman, and Girl on Fire, is Brave. Brave is by Sara Barellis. Everyday, many times a day, I listen to this song, along with the others.   I sing them in the shower, sometimes loudly and with lots and lots of emotion. Yes, even when I have a headache, because I can't sing when I am on the radiation table. These particular lyrics from the song speak to my heart:

Everybody's been there,
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave


for the whole song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

The other day, my friend and I were chatting online when she said she was going for her very first tattoo ever.  I offered to go to photograph the moment for her. Then she told me what she was getting, the word Brave. I knew that instant I wanted it too. It is perfect for me at this time in my life. It IS my life. Jean picked me up and we went and she got her tattoo, and I took pictures. The whole time hoping and praying that the tattoo guy would finish in time to do mine too. Never in this shop since they have been established, can you just walk in. My hope was pretty big. Now, I stole Jean's design, something I would not normally do, but I did, and personalized it, so the word Brave is in peacock blue with the sun in orange and yellow.  We now have matching tattoos and both love them. As I described to Jean in a text this morning, "I really love it and am so glad I have it. I well up with tears everytime I look at it - determination tears - most times I feel like Piglet. A little animal in the big woods. This reminds me that I am bigger than I think, stronger than I know, smarter than whatever is puzzling me. I am worthy of good things coming my way." So, go ahead, say what you wanna say, and do those things you have been wanting to do, when is someday going to come? Set a date and make it happen. Live a life of  integrity, honor, truth and conviction of your beliefs.  Show the world how big YOUR Brave is.

Namaste,

Cindy

Day three full assault

So, I tried creating a playlist, power songs to inspire me while I undergo radiation. I went to my old playlist and for some reason, I can't open it. I don't know how. Then a friend came over and said, "well it is a new battle, maybe the universe is telling you it is time for a new playlist?" Wise, grasshopper. And then I remembered, "hey, I can use Amazon Prime" and download free music there and make a playlist because the hospital has wi-fi.(Big deal to remember something I just learned, look at me go.) i pick out my playlist, starting with Alicia Keys, Super Woman, followed by Girl on Fire - a little radiation humor. The techs looked at me like I was morbid when that came blasting out of my ihome speaker.  So, right up until I walk into the radiology room, I have service, then kaput.Turns out as long as you have service you have your Prime Library available to you, but not on your device, you have to buy those songs for that to happen. Silly girl.  I have been forced these last two days to focus on the following two mantras during radiation "Die Mother Fucker, Die" and "Cells, heal yourselves". I have been so hyper focused on those two mantras that I come home exhausted and need a nap, which is throwing off my sleep schedule at night. Which leads me back to my original problem, creating a playlist that I can listen to while getting zapped that I have already paid for the music or it is on my computer. Once I figure this problem out, I am going to figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my blog so I can start showing you all how I am cooking my way out of this friggin situation and give you recipes to boot. 

I can't be off at night, cause I need to get up in the morning in time to do all my stuff and fit in all the home visits before I go to battle. Other than the battle weariness, I am doing okay. The ketosis diet is going well. I follow the menu exactly, food still tastes good, and I am eating regular portions.The chemo has helped cut down the steroid munchies, and the medical marijuana helps the appetite stay in balance, as well as assisting in nausea and headaches. I am looking for a particular strain that has been shown to obliterate the type of tumor I have in combination with radiation and chemo This has not been done without the use of all three. I have seen peoples scans. Typically only, growth is stopped for awhile and then you need more treatment.  I have my medical marijuana card but there are no dispensaries in Mass yet. I cannot get it delivered legally from a dispensary out of state. If you think you might be able to be of assistance, please contact me directly, thank you.

Okay, gotta get ready to rumble. Do my exercises before I go, shower and all that good stuff.